William Ronald Roehl
Handing out advice on family matters is not my game. When I’m asked by new parents for tips on child rearing – this happens regularly to anyone whose children have managed to grow up without doing any jail time – I’ve usually said, “try to get one that doesn’t spit up. Otherwise, you’re on your own.”
-Calvin Trillin
As you know, Bill and “The Wife” have begun their newest adventure, the arrival of The Kid. I know that many of Bill’s readers have experiences raising children or have observations and opinions on the subject. Please take this opportunity to share your top 5 snippets of Advice to Bill and The Wife Regarding A Child. All wisdom is fair game: the humorous and the technical; the sarcastic and the back-to-basics. If certain products are recommended, please provide a link for ease of reference. Caveat: Bill and The Wife are to treat the responses to this column as a buffet line; look it all over, and pick and choose the ones you’d like to try; laugh at the Jell-o™ with carrot shavings; and don’t forget your favorites for the second trip! ;-)
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February 2nd, 2010 at 8:00 am
(Guest Post by Whit) Advice To Bill and The Wife Regarding A Child: http://tinyurl.com/yzkenqb
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:09 am
Congrats to Bill and his wife. No advice from here yet, my wife’s due May 1st with our first.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:27 am
Congratulations Kim and Bill!
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:33 am
Congratulations! My only advice is to get a babysitter some time within the first 4 weeks and go on a date.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:33 am
Congratulations!! :) Such a sweet little face (the baby, not you Bill). Hope you get some sleep!
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:34 am
Congratulations. I figured something was up in the air with the sudden absence of bill’s comments around here. The best suggestion I can give is that trust in the fact that it is o.k. for a baby to cry. Yes, they need coddling and love, and touching and holding, etc. But you need to find that fine line between you teaching the child, and the child training you. It goes so much easier if you start sooner rather than later.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:38 am
Advice to Bill and The Wife: The first week will consist of little sleep. Don’t plan on doing anything during that week. By the end of 2 weeks – if your luck is like mine was – the kid will sleep through the night and life will start to resemble something normal.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:45 am
Ah yes, crossing the “four hour” mark will feel so good. I know with me after having kids I looked back and said to myself “how could I have wasted all of that time sleeping before I had kids?”
[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098067/quotes) from the movie Parenthood.
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:49 am
Savor every minute – and take pictures and videos because in 10 years you won’t believe he was so little!
You can always go the next new restaurant, but you can never have that time with that adorable baby again!
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:12 am
I dont know if you took any of the classes, although I think you could have had some great posts about them if you had. The one thing that stuck with me from class was there are going to be nights where everything goes wrong. The baby is crying. The wife is crying. Nobody has slept. Everyone is exhausted. The baby wont eat. The baby is crying. The baby wont sleep. You will feel like you cant handle it. What have you gotten yourself into.
I can tell you that you will get through those nights, and look back and wonder if it was really that bad.
Lots of love, take time to laugh. Its pretty incredible on the whole, but some moments are pretty taxing. Good luck with everything.
Oh, and try not to get mad and punch people when they tell you how thier baby was sleeping through the night after a couple weeks.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:20 am
advice, wow, the little darlings don’t come with a kiddie manual, do they anyone?
you’re the proud parents, do what you think is right for your child, and that’s that:) if i agree or disagree, it’s none of my business. enjoy your new life.
bb
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:33 am
It was a very odd feeling when my wife and I returned home with our first son. We brought him home, laid him on a blanket, and then looked at each other and said “now what?”
You’ll figure it all out as you go, everyone does.
Congrats.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:48 am
CONGRATS!! The hardest part is that first drive home!! Slow and steady! My wife and I have a 3 month old at home, best time of your life Bill, enjoy it!
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:52 am
Forgot my advice . . . Don’t be afraid to get a little poop on your hands!
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:59 am
1. Don’t forget the kid in the car when you go places.
2. A little sugar or enriched flour once in a while will not ruin him forever.
3. Don’t forget where your favorite baby-sitter lives…said baby-sitter promises to abstain from feeding baby Coca Cola or Chili’s until at least his first birthday.
4. Don’t follow the baby books like they are the experts, he’s your kid; you’ll figure him out quickly. When he’s hungry, feed him. When he’s tired, put him to sleep. When he stinks, change his pants. (I guess most of that advice would apply to Bill, too?)
5. Love him, cherish him, realize how blessed you are to have him in your arms.
February 2nd, 2010 at 11:04 am
My guest editors rock! RT @SouthMetroNews: (Guest Post by Whit) Advice To Bill and The Wife Regarding A Child: http://tinyurl.com/yzkenqb
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
February 2nd, 2010 at 11:10 am
This.
As Lou Reed said, “It’s the beginning of a great adventure.” You and Kim will be remarkable parents and I can’t wait to see what sort of man Junior grows up to be.
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Here’s what I’ve got.
- Be honest with yourself and your emotions. You always hear people say, “Oh I fell in love with him/her the second he/she was born!” Very few people will be bold enough to admit that they didn’t fall in love with this creature the second it was born. It’s just not in everyone’s DNA. IT IS OK if you don’t feel an instant bond. Repeat: IT IS OK if you don’t feel an instant bond.
Babies can be an absolute royal pain in the ass, throwing life as you knew it into complete disarray, often with absolutely zero gratification. They don’t smile, they look at you and immediately start screaming, they ruin your sleep. God forbid they have cholic. The love and emotions come…maybe in a matter of days, maybe in a matter of months. It is OK. It is normal. You are not a horrible person/parent if you don’t immediately go gaga over your baby. It is OK.
And, by the way, when I hear someone say that they “live for their children!”, I think “freak” and how absolutely miserable whatever they “lived for” before the baby must have been. Don’t check your soul, your spirit, and your passions at the door when you bring that baby home — it will be one of the greatest disservices you can do to that child.
- Along those lines, the worst parents I know are the ones whose 8 year-old thinks all Mom is good for is driving them around to soccer, changing sister’s diapers, and other menial chores. Don’t think that your kid isn’t thinking, “how come I’m in soccer, karate, tennis, tee ball, hockey, jump roping, archery and swimming and Mom is kind of fat and just sits on the sidelines?” Guess what…you’re unintentionally defining adulthood and parenting for them as kind of lame and not deserving of much respect. What do you model that your kid can aspire to?
Show them that Mom can finish a triathlon, dad is a wonderful photographer, or that you’re occasionally going to disappear for a two weeks to go on a volunteer service trip and that “You kids and Dad will be just fine without me for a few days”.
- Be kind to your spouse. Write it down and post it on the fridge. “Honey, why don’t you go take a nap…I’ve got this for an hour.” That sort of simple PROACTIVE kindness will save your relationship over the next 18+ years. Make sure that your partner can always find safe refuge in you.
- Pay really close attention to your kid right now. I look back on the minutes after all three of my kids’ birth and am amazed that pieces of their personality are absolutely evident the second they are born. Kid 1 was wide-eyed, calm and comfortable in the moment. Kid 2 was cranky and immediately testing every emotion he was born with. Kid 3 would lock onto movements, lights, people and everything else (even though newborns can’t see past about 3 inches in front of them). You could tell she was emotionally connecting with everything in the world.
They are all that way today. It’s hard to explain, but it’s as true as the sun rising in the east and it really is kind of amazing.
- Everything doesn’t need to be perfect. Your kid will survive wipes that aren’t warmed to exactly 100 degrees, bottles that are sterilized three times in an autoclave, and, yes, even being dropped. Your kid will survive people holding him/her without washing their hands for 30 seconds. Your kid can be taken out to a restaurant in his/her car seat bucket thing right away. Go out. Live your life. Welcome to the world son…this family doesn’t sit in quiet, dark homes 24×7. We move. We live. The universe doesn’t revolve around you, we move with the universe.
- Line up babysitters. When I hear a Mom of a 10 month-old out at dinner nervously say, “This is my first time away from little (insert name) since she was born”, I am aghast. And then they go on to say it’s because, “whenever I leave the room he/she just starts screaming and crying.” There’s a shocker! Here’s a memo: If you are never more than 10 feet from your baby, you are killing that kid’s opportunity to develop a sense of independence. Yours will be the kid that throws a 3-hour screaming fit on the first six days of school. People who can’t leave their baby for a night to go have dinner, check their kid in at the fitness center child care room, or do whatever it is that made them happy before having kids are, in my mind, illogical at best, demonstrating/instilling unhealthy behaviors to their child at worst.
- Relaxed, healthy parents = relaxed, healthy kids. Micromanaging, overly doting, obsessive parents = Insecure, overly dependent, fussy kids. It’s that simple. Believe it.
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:16 pm
I think the pictures above of you and Kim say it all. I have never seen bigger smiles on either of you.
Certain products and activities that are a must have:
1. a diaper genie
2. a bottle warmer
3. baby swing with music that is battery operated not crank up. 10 years ago the swing would stop and “the kid” would start whaling and it then required you to crank the thing up which was louder than hell and would wake the kid up anyways.
4. you need a cover for the baby carrier that has a velco flap for the cold weather trips in and out of the car
5. a growth chart for the wall so you can see how fast he grows
6. an email to everyone to start cutting diaper coupons from the paper and an address to send them to
Sharpen your logic and strategy when it comes to rock, paper, scissors. This was the process when the baby started crying, needed to be changed, or fed. We would look at each other and immediately each of us would throw up our best thought out hand gesture. This eliminated the whole discussion about who’s turn it was to address the need at the time.
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:01 pm
I have to echo Blaine’s thoughts on that first drive home. After my kids were born, my driving habits changed considerably. Instead of my first instinct being to maybe flash my brights at someone who unsafely turned in front of me, my first thought now is to get the heck out of that person’s way: let them get in front of you, because there is no way you want a loose cannon like that behind you where you can’t see what they are doing.
Dad: Learn to soothe your child. This is sometimes hard for guys to pick up on because if they are working, mom is the one with that superbond and the kid will be quiet as soon as they are in mom’s arms. Don’t give in to the temptation to hand Baby over to mom if baby won’t stop crying. 10 minutes seems like an eternity when a kids is screaming, and its even harder when you know that if you handed the kid over to tired mom, the crying would stop immediately. I think it would surprise you if you looked at the clock when the baby started to cry and looked at it again when he stopped, what a short period of time will have passed. Mom: Don’t give in! Dad will figure it out. Soon the two of them will be asleep on the couch, “watching” golf together.
Ignore people who try to make you feel bad for whatever parenting decision you’ve made (breastfeeding vs. not; daycare vs. not; whatever). Somehow our parents all did different stuff and we turned out just fine.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. A lot of times, people don’t call new parents after baby is home because they don’t want to wake you/baby up; they don’t stop by because they don’t want to wake you/baby up. This does not mean they have forgotten about you. If you need a break, or a visitor (or hell a chance to take a shower without worrying if the baby is crying); just call them up.
Above all: Have fun and talk to each other.
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Looks like Dad is still trying to work through taking pictures with the new camera that encompass the full subject of the picture.
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:16 pm
No kids here, but from a lot of child development classes, you CANNOT hold a baby too much. Holding a baby doesn’t spoil them. You hold that baby all you want.
The Wife looks soo happy in the pictures, congratulations!
February 2nd, 2010 at 7:04 pm
YOU WILL, do the best you can with the tools you both have!
bb
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:37 pm
All I can say is love em and enjoy the moments. Change is constant with those little buggers and there are days where they seem to have grown from the morning to that same night. Take lots of pictures and videos.
Congrats!!
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Best wishes to the happy, healthy family! He’s a cutie! :-)
My advice: Document EVERYTHING in the baby book. Most people do document the first step and first word but also note what Halloween costume he wore each year, the first joke, the first birthday party for a non-relative, and all the names of his teachers. We have three kids and it truly all blends together. Even the biggest of kids enjoys reading about their own childhood details.
Also, save yesterday’s newspapers and current issues of magazines for him to enjoy down the road.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:08 am
Congrats Bill and Kim. He’s beautiful!!!
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:25 am
Congratulations Bill and Kim! (No advice to give, though….)
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:48 am
You have gotten some great advice so far! I agree whole heartedly with the tip about not letting other people tell you the “right” way to do it and you are “wrong” if you don’t breast feed, etc. I just have a few additions…
1. Of course, first, the sappy stuff…express love and affection to the kid often! No such thing as too much of that. but then…
2. Never threaten something you won’t follow through on. If they know you don’t always mean it, they will never listen to you. My sister in law is a master at this! Her kids know “the look” is ALWAYS followed by one warning and then a consequence. Because of this, “the look” almost always is enough, they are trained well to know what comes next. How many times do you hear a parent tell a kid to “stop that right now or we are leaving”, and the kid continues, and they don’t leave? Might as well say “keep beeing a jerk! We all love it when you do that!” Be sure you can live with the consequence! Don’t take take away the TV for the afternoon when you are going to paint the living room (been there, done that, that was dumb!)
3. Have you heard “my kids can’t sleep unless they are in our bed”. AUGH! Never let the kid sleep in your bed, then they never know that it is an option. When my daughter was really sick and needed to be slept with, I slept in HER room. It is a habit that is terribly hard to break, so we never had the kid in our bed. Learned from watching those around us with kids sleeping with them into grade school.
4. Be willing to say no if you want to, even when everyone else IS really doing it…I gave in to the kid getting texting way too early for example. These kids don’t even know how to have a face to face conversation any more
5. Find a good non-spanking consequence from a very early age that works for your child. Our kid wouldn’t sit in time out, just got up and said “make me”. (!!) So for her, after much experimenting, taking her favorite “thing” and putting it up high where she couldn’t get it was the only thing that worked. After we figured that out, and followed #2 above, we had very little issues with our little one.
GOOD LUCK! What a great adventure you have in store for you.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:30 am
Nice dude! Congratulations! Advice? Don’t forget to update your wills. If you don’t have wills, get them.
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:52 am
Congrats, simply beautiful! Great posts by all! My advice, start saving for college!
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:05 am
http://www.mnsaves.org/
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:30 am
Congrats!!! He is gorgeous!!! My most important piece of advice (I am expecting my fifth next month), follow your instincts. As the hospital volunteer who wheeled me out after the birth of my first told me “everything done with love” can’t be wrong ..anyway something like that, I may be paraphrasing. Don’t let people make you feel bad for wanting to follow your instincts. If you want to feed the baby every time he cries, do it. If you don’t want to leave the baby with a sitter for a few months dont. Do what feels right for you guys and the little guy.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:58 am
My advise: Your baby is at it’s most portable. One bucket, one bag for diapers/clothes. Whatever you need for feeding. The baby will sleep anywhere. So get out and enjoy, and make sure everyone sees him. Because when naps start getting routine, and bedtime schedules set, and the clothes get bigger, and you have to bring “toys”, you lose the flexibility to be places, and you may find yourself being “at home” more often, and seeing how much you like going out you may be disappointed.
But if the baby has any respiratory issues, ignore anything I said and quarantine your family for six months. Seriously, RSV is too nasty to ignore.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Congratulations! My advice, soak in every single second of their lives and savor every moment, it goes by way too quickly.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:14 pm
Congrats Bill & Kim!! What a beautiful baby.
February 4th, 2010 at 11:55 am
is the little guy starting his beard yet:)
bb
February 8th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Valley Natural Foods would like to say CONGRATULATIONS on the arrival of your beautiful son! Best wishes to you both for many years of joyful, cherished moments with your son. Thank you for sharing your awesome pictures!
February 12th, 2010 at 8:16 am
I was listening to a podcast this morning and there was a mention of a new tool for tracking your baby’s various “events” of life and or schedule. It looks like it only works on Android phones but it might be fun if you have the right phone, and enjoy messing with technology.
The feeding screens alone look pretty dang useful.
http://babyesp.com/index.html