In a typical year-end puff piece from a local paper, the MNSun discusses the current state of Apple Valley which includes many quotes from mayor Mary Hamann-Roland covering a multitude of topics including her stupid green initiatives, the failure that is the “downtown” area, and various other notable bullet points which occurred in 2008.

Knowing what I know about Apple Valley mayor Mary Hamann-Roland, I bet she wasted no time getting right into her boring fucking spiel about how Apple Valley is so “green”. Being that this article goes on and on about how “green” the city is, I just had to laugh. The poor reporter probably to to endure quite an earful while biting her tongue to attempt not to laugh directly in Mary’s face.

I have a couple of real problems with what Mary said in the article and decided to list them out one by one:

1. Mary, Apple Valley isn’t fucking green — not one bit. Just because you built a monstrous shrine to alcoholism and added an expensive geothermal HVAC system which will take more years to pay off than its worth doesn’t mean you’re green. Having a city that has tons of trees and no parking lots makes you green. So, instead of concerning yourself with allowing Wal-Mart to expand and add an unnecessary grocery store which will remove “green” grass and planning to add a commercial business park where a strip mine now exists, maybe you should be planting some fucking trees instead. Let’s turn that strip mine into a grove of trees (instead of another open field filled with baseball diamonds) that residents could enjoy instead of the precious commercial entities you seem so hellbent on attracting while alienating those people that live here full time.

2. Mary, absolutely no one is looking at Apple Valley as a model of anything except what NOT to do. No one wants to have as many chain restaurants, stores, and parking lots as Apple Valley does. No one wants their city managing three liquor stores poorly and not putting more money into the general fund because they’re sinking dollars into stupid initiatives which only help add buzzwords to stupid articles written about the city you treat as if no one else lived here except you. No one wants to have a “walkable downtown” that includes closed sidewalks, cheesy painted “bricks” instead of plain old crosswalks, or empty fields with street signs and parking spaces. Instead of trying to be a model of what Woodbury has become, why don’t you instead try to show that you’re willing to put residents first and stop raising taxes all while blaming everyone else but yourselves.

3. Mary, stop patting yourself on the back. No one gives a flying fuck that you believe Apple Valley is a “stable, strong community” and no one thinks that Apple Valley has good leadership. No one. Not one single person with a brain agrees with what you are doing here. Aside from the obvious failure that the city owned and operated liquor stores are, your “downtown” is just as empty as the words which were quoted in this article. There’s nothing more depressing than driving by an area that’s empty, getting emptier, and which has outdated signs pointing you to businesses which have been closed longer than anyone cares to remember. Nothing says, “stable and strong” like that eh Mary?

It’s truly unfortunate that the Apple Valley mayor feels that she’s doing a good job. Living in a self-created fantasy world where everything is rosy must be awfully nice. It must be wicked to be able to pat yourself on the back and tell the world you’re doing a good job when it’s overly apparent that you’re not. Keep on promoting the “green” buzz all while pretending that you created a great plan to follow in the steps of Woodbury and become exactly like every other single MSP metro suburb. If anyone is following an example set by others, it’s you Mary.

What did you think of the pro-Apple Valley article written about Mary and her band of pranksters? Do you agree with our lovely mayor Mary that her and her team are doing a good job? Perhaps you just don’t care? Either way, comment on as I’d love to hear what you have to say and start out 2009 with some great discussion!

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